Our first theme deals with the very sad and confusing issue of separation and divorce. The following article, written by Rotorua Public Library’s Children’s Librarian, will also appear The Mokoia Newsletter.

Helping Children Deal with Separation and Divorce

When couples separate and/or divorce it is usually a very painful time for all involved. For children it is particularly confusing and hurtful and a time over which they often feel they have no control. The following books are designed for parents/adults to read to their children and all emphasise the need for parents to explain the situation to children and to ensure that the latter in no way feel that their parents’ separation or divorce is their fault.

There are a number of picture books suitable for young children, though given the complexity and sensitivity of the subject parents need to spend time reading and re-reading the books to ensure that they are suitable for their own situation. In addition, many of these books may help parents to formulate ways to explain their family’s situation to their young child or children.

‘Fred Stays With Me’ by Nancy Cofflet and illustrated by Tricia Tusa (currently on order)

This book, a strong and emotionally honest story, tells how one girl copes with her parent’s separation/divorce. Fred, her dog, goes with her whether she is staying with her mother or with her father. Fred is not the most obedient dog and when this begins to disrupt her parents’ separate lives, the young girl is insistent that ‘Fred stays with’ her. Fred symbolizes a strong consistent feature in the young girl’s life at a very changing and confusing time. Fred helps to reduce the child’s feelings of powerlessness in a situation in which she has little if any control.

‘Good-Bye, Daddy’ by Brigitte Weninger and Alan Marks

When a young boy comes home after spending time with his father he is so angry that the father has to leave again that he hides, refusing to give his dad a good-bye hug. The boy’s mother finds him and through a warm and uplifting story about a bear cub in a similar situation, she conveys to her son the love his father still holds for him and how important it is for them to spend time together.

‘Was It the Chocolate Pudding?’ A Story for Little Kids About Divorce’ by Sandra Levins and illustrated by Bryan Langdo   

“They didn’t tell my brother and me why, but I figured it out.”  When I first read this book I was jolted by how convinced the young child felt his parents’ divorce was his fault. Though the parents love and care for their children deeply this child held the burden of guilt.  It wasn’t until some time later when he told his mother how sorry he was for making her leave home that the parents realized. The shocked mother tells the boy the truth and his relief is overwhelming. Given the subject of the book the mood may seem light yet the message is poignantly conveyed. The book includes an afterward providing advice to parents on how to help children deal with their thoughts and emotions to separation and divorce.

Also look out for ‘It’s Just Different Now’ by Linda Espie.

There are a number of children’s non-fiction books available suitable for parents to read to or with their child. Though most of the following titles are more suitable for older children they are valuable resources for any parent facing this situation as they may help parents of younger children find ways to explain to them what is happening in terms they will understand.

Talking to Kids…About Divorce by Dr Nora Duffield

Talking About Divorce by Nicola Edwards

Family Break-ups? By Jillian Powell

When Parents Separate by Pete sanders and Steve Myers